Proven Health Benefits of Coffee
- Enables the ability to speak to others before 11 a.m.
- Stabilizes standy-uppy functionality.
- Decreases the chance of your murdering the person who snored in your ear all night.
- Melts mental cobwebs so you can answer children's relentless questions over breakfast.
- Increases the chance you'll recognize when autocorrect is messing with you.
- Makes you less hatey.
- Lubricates the eye-opening mechanism.
- Deactivates Zombie Mom mode.
- Recharges verbal filter, allows for re-entry to the world outside one's home.
- Gives someone who hasn't slept through the night in a decade something to look forward to.
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